The Conversational Lord's Prayer
Man: Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
God: Yes?
Man: Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
God: But -- you called ME!
Man: Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in Heaven.
God: There -- you did it again!
Man: Did what?
God: Called ME. You said, "Our Father who art in Heaven" Well, here I am. What's on your mind?
Man: But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty.
God: Well, all right. Go on.
Man: Okay, Hallowed be thy name . .
God: Hold it right there. What do you mean by that?
Man: By what?
God: By "Hallowed be thy name"?
Man: It means, it means . . .good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?
God: It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Man: Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
God: Do you really mean that?
Man: Sure, why not?
God: What are you doing about it?
Man: Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control, of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
God: Yes, I know; but, have I got control of you?
Man: Well, I go to church.
God: That isn't what I asked you. What about your bad temper? You've really got a problem there, you know. And then there's the way you spend your money --all on yourself. And what about the kind of books you read?
Man: Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
God: Excuse ME. I thought you were praying for my will to be done. If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you -- for example.
Man: Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
God: So could I.
Man: I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free.
God: Good. Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME. I'm proud of You.
Man: Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread.
God: You need to cut out the bread. You're overweight as it is.
Man: Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
God: Praying is a dangerous thing. You just might get what you ask for. Remember, you called ME -- and here I am. It's too late to stop now. Keep praying. ( . . pause . . ) Well, go on.
Man: I'm scared to.
God: Scared? Of what? I know what you'll say. Try ME.
Man: Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
God: What about Ann?
Man: See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her!
God: But -- your prayer -- What about your prayer?
Man: I didn't -- mean it.
God: Well, at least you're honest. But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness and resentment isn't it?
Man: Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born.
God: No, you won't feel any better. You'll feel worse. Revenge isn't sweet. You know how unhappy you are -- Well, I can change that.
Man: You can? How?
God: Forgive Ann. Then, I'll forgive you; And the hate and the sin, will be Ann's problem -- not yours. You will have settled the problem as far as you are concerned.
Man: Oh, you know, you're right. You always are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You…(sigh)…All right, all right…I forgive her.
God: There now! Wonderful! How do you feel?
Man: Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all! In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
God: Yeah, I know. But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Man: Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
God: Good! Good! I'll do that. Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.
Man: What do you mean by that?
God: You know what I mean.
Man: Yeah. I know. Okay.
God: Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
Man: For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.
God: Do you know what would bring me glory --What would really make me happy?
Man: No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you now. I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So, tell me . . .How do I make you happy?
God: YOU just did.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
Someone just brought up in a class that I am in the similarities between Gnosticism and the modern-day cult Scientology. After some brief research, I came across this famous article written in 1991 by Time magazine about Scientology.
Check it out at:
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Fishman/time-behar.html
Dave M.
Check it out at:
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Fishman/time-behar.html
Dave M.
David G. McDowell
IT501: Biblical Hermeneutics
Historical Components of Deuteronomy 4:1-31
Introduction
The theme of this passage is obedience to the law of the Lord, the fruition of the covenant given to the people of Israel for inheritance of the Promised Land and, because of the gift of the law and covenant, the abstinence from idol worship. In the context of its chapter, it is the first half of a transitional passage from the history mentioned in the first three chapters of Deuteronomy to the reiteration and exposition of the law given after it.
Book-wide Insights
The author of this passage appears to be Moses, writing at the end of his life to the Israelites before they take possession of the Promised Land. This is evidenced according to the reference in Deuteronomy 4:21-22 where Moses laments that he will not be allowed in the Promised Land. The books of 1 Kings and 2 Kings also attests to the authorship of Moses as well as the very words of Jesus in the gospels . However, controversy exists on the exact meaning of the word “Moses” and if it refers to authorship or simply a reference to the law in general. Uncertainty also exists in regards to how the book may have been edited in later dates. Scholars range the authorship of the book as early as during the life of Moses to as far away as the 7th century B.C. However, it is clear that the majority of the material found in the book of Deuteronomy did come from the mouth or the pen of Moses, even if was compiled at the latest of dates.
Passage-Specific Insights
On the solemn occasion of Moses not being allowed into the Promised Land, he seems to use this book as his last will and testament. In the chapter before this, the book speaks of Moses on top of a mountain looking in all directions. It must have been a bittersweet moment for Moses, looking behind at the lands that they had conquered, which were highlighted in the first three chapters, and looking forward to the Promised Land that, because of his sin, he would not be able to enter. In Numbers 20, Moses was commanded by God to speak to a rock in order to produce water for the Israelites to drink. Instead, Moses struck the rock and according to Numbers 20:12, Moses was not allowed into the Promised Land because he “did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites.” It is important to note here that this passage is often misquoted as Moses striking the rock given as the reason that Moses is not allowed in the Promised Land. The banning of Moses from the Promised Land goes beyond mere disobedience. Moses was a leader, and as a leader, and as one who had conversed with God, he had a responsibility to represent God and his holiness. When Moses struck the rock in anger, he did much more than merely lose his temper; he misrepresented God, and as such, was banned from entering the Promised Land.
He gives a brief history and reminds the Israelites of God’s faithfulness as he expounds the law and the covenant. It is apparent that Moses has high regard for the law because it comes straight from God and he cautions the Israelites not to subtract from it (vs. 2). It strikes this writer as very interesting that the verse only says “subtract.” Was not adding to the law the problem in Jesus’ time? Yet, that is not mentioned here. One could glean from this passage that God may have stricter standards for those who subtract or ignore laws rather than those who add to it.
There is a reference to Baal Peor in verse three that is also referenced in 3:29. This reference in chapter four refers to a situation recorded in Numbers 25 where men began having sex with the women of Moab. In the Moabite culture, sex was linked with idol worship. According to Numbers 25, the men were even going to the sacrificial rituals associated with pagan idol worship to have sex with these women, eat with them and bow down to their gods as part of their worship. God demanded that Moses use the leaders of the people and kill those who did this. According to this passage, twenty-four thousand men died as a result of this sin. The importance of this is the reinforcement to the children of Israel, and this writer would even say to God’s covenant children today, that God, as revealed in his law and covenant, does not tolerate idol worship.
Another reference to a historical and geographical place is in verse ten when Moses refers to Horeb. For all practical purposes, Horeb is synonymous with Mt. Sinai. This is the place where Moses gave the Ten Commandments. This place is of great significance because it is a geographic reminder to the people of Israel that their law was given directly to them by God and a reminder to them, according to verse nine, that they should pass these laws down to their children.
Conclusion
It is important in this passage to understand the historical significance of this moment. Without a proper understanding of the meaning of Horeb, one might lose the significance of the symbolism it has with the law. Without an understanding of the events at Baal-Peor, one may miss the importance that God places on having no other gods before him. Without this background, it would be increasingly hard to understand the intricate roles that the law and the covenant play in our rich Judeo/Christian history as well as the importance of passing those down to future generations.
Bibliography
Howard Marshal ed. et al. New Bible Dictionary 3rd ed. (Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1996) , 275.
David Noel Freedman, ed, The Anchor Bible Dictionary vol 1 (New York: Doubleday, 1992, 553.
George Arthur Buttrick, ed, Interpreters Dictionary of the Bible vol. 4, 21st ed. ( Nashville: Abingen Press, 1990), 377
The Holy Bible. New International Version
IT501: Biblical Hermeneutics
Historical Components of Deuteronomy 4:1-31
Introduction
The theme of this passage is obedience to the law of the Lord, the fruition of the covenant given to the people of Israel for inheritance of the Promised Land and, because of the gift of the law and covenant, the abstinence from idol worship. In the context of its chapter, it is the first half of a transitional passage from the history mentioned in the first three chapters of Deuteronomy to the reiteration and exposition of the law given after it.
Book-wide Insights
The author of this passage appears to be Moses, writing at the end of his life to the Israelites before they take possession of the Promised Land. This is evidenced according to the reference in Deuteronomy 4:21-22 where Moses laments that he will not be allowed in the Promised Land. The books of 1 Kings and 2 Kings also attests to the authorship of Moses as well as the very words of Jesus in the gospels . However, controversy exists on the exact meaning of the word “Moses” and if it refers to authorship or simply a reference to the law in general. Uncertainty also exists in regards to how the book may have been edited in later dates. Scholars range the authorship of the book as early as during the life of Moses to as far away as the 7th century B.C. However, it is clear that the majority of the material found in the book of Deuteronomy did come from the mouth or the pen of Moses, even if was compiled at the latest of dates.
Passage-Specific Insights
On the solemn occasion of Moses not being allowed into the Promised Land, he seems to use this book as his last will and testament. In the chapter before this, the book speaks of Moses on top of a mountain looking in all directions. It must have been a bittersweet moment for Moses, looking behind at the lands that they had conquered, which were highlighted in the first three chapters, and looking forward to the Promised Land that, because of his sin, he would not be able to enter. In Numbers 20, Moses was commanded by God to speak to a rock in order to produce water for the Israelites to drink. Instead, Moses struck the rock and according to Numbers 20:12, Moses was not allowed into the Promised Land because he “did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites.” It is important to note here that this passage is often misquoted as Moses striking the rock given as the reason that Moses is not allowed in the Promised Land. The banning of Moses from the Promised Land goes beyond mere disobedience. Moses was a leader, and as a leader, and as one who had conversed with God, he had a responsibility to represent God and his holiness. When Moses struck the rock in anger, he did much more than merely lose his temper; he misrepresented God, and as such, was banned from entering the Promised Land.
He gives a brief history and reminds the Israelites of God’s faithfulness as he expounds the law and the covenant. It is apparent that Moses has high regard for the law because it comes straight from God and he cautions the Israelites not to subtract from it (vs. 2). It strikes this writer as very interesting that the verse only says “subtract.” Was not adding to the law the problem in Jesus’ time? Yet, that is not mentioned here. One could glean from this passage that God may have stricter standards for those who subtract or ignore laws rather than those who add to it.
There is a reference to Baal Peor in verse three that is also referenced in 3:29. This reference in chapter four refers to a situation recorded in Numbers 25 where men began having sex with the women of Moab. In the Moabite culture, sex was linked with idol worship. According to Numbers 25, the men were even going to the sacrificial rituals associated with pagan idol worship to have sex with these women, eat with them and bow down to their gods as part of their worship. God demanded that Moses use the leaders of the people and kill those who did this. According to this passage, twenty-four thousand men died as a result of this sin. The importance of this is the reinforcement to the children of Israel, and this writer would even say to God’s covenant children today, that God, as revealed in his law and covenant, does not tolerate idol worship.
Another reference to a historical and geographical place is in verse ten when Moses refers to Horeb. For all practical purposes, Horeb is synonymous with Mt. Sinai. This is the place where Moses gave the Ten Commandments. This place is of great significance because it is a geographic reminder to the people of Israel that their law was given directly to them by God and a reminder to them, according to verse nine, that they should pass these laws down to their children.
Conclusion
It is important in this passage to understand the historical significance of this moment. Without a proper understanding of the meaning of Horeb, one might lose the significance of the symbolism it has with the law. Without an understanding of the events at Baal-Peor, one may miss the importance that God places on having no other gods before him. Without this background, it would be increasingly hard to understand the intricate roles that the law and the covenant play in our rich Judeo/Christian history as well as the importance of passing those down to future generations.
Bibliography
Howard Marshal ed. et al. New Bible Dictionary 3rd ed. (Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1996) , 275.
David Noel Freedman, ed, The Anchor Bible Dictionary vol 1 (New York: Doubleday, 1992, 553.
George Arthur Buttrick, ed, Interpreters Dictionary of the Bible vol. 4, 21st ed. ( Nashville: Abingen Press, 1990), 377
The Holy Bible. New International Version
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
The Semi-Pelagian Narrow Catechism
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.
2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.
3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personallordandsaviour
4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.
5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.
7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.
8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.
9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.
10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.
16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.
17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until the day we got saved.
18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; or if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.
21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is NICENESS.
23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.
24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.
25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.
26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.
28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.
29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.
30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.
31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and blood.
32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.
33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.
34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.
35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.
38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.
39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.
40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.
41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.
42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!
44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.
2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.
3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personallordandsaviour
4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.
5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.
7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.
8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.
9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.
10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.
16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.
17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until the day we got saved.
18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; or if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.
21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is NICENESS.
23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.
24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.
25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.
26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.
28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.
29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.
30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.
31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and blood.
32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.
33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.
34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.
35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.
38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.
39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.
40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.
41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.
42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!
44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.
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